Justice Burger
by Whigmus Lister
Summary: Stupid, stupid, silly, unnecessary stupidity. What would it be like if the Original Seven members of the Justice League ran a fast food joint? Rated T for some language and inuendo


BASIC DISCLAIMER; I OWN NOTHING AND NO PROFIT IS GAINED BY THIS FIC.

This is a silly, stupid, plotless, pointless piece of fiction. It has no purpose other than to make one smile. ;)

* * *

"Please pull around!" the sultry feminine voice told them. 

The subcompact rounded the corner from the menu and headed to the order window. The two college boys exchanged glances at each other, their expressions betraying how much that voice affected them.

"You're way too far away from the window," the passenger told the driver.

"I know," he smiled back. "Just watch."

With that, the window opened and the gorgeous brunette smiled down at the two.

"That'll be seven-fifty!" Wonder Woman chirped happily.

The young man held out a ten-dollar bill, but because of the distance, she had to lean extra far out the window to reach it. The two marveled at the view her position and her top afforded them.

When she leaned back into the building to make change, they exchanged glances again.

"See?! I told you, man!"

* * *

"I need those two Value Meals… pronto!" Diana called out to nobody in particular. 

Wearing a pressed, white, short-sleeved shirt and a bright green tie, Mr. Stewart, the manager picked up his clipboard and headed to the back to investigate the delay.

"J'onn!" Green Lantern called to the Martian. "What's the hold up?"

He rounded the corner to find the huge man with two fry boxes. He was meticulously counting and arranging them by height; tallest in the back and center, shortest in the front and on the sides.

"I am nearly finished," J'onn said quietly to the man with the clipboard.

Lantern let out a tremendous sigh and set his clipboard down.

"How many times have I told you?!" he admonished the alien, "They don't need to be arranged!"

"But, Mr. Stewart, you said…" J'onn protested.

"DAMN!" Superman shouted from the kitchen just as a huge fireball erupted.

"Just get those fries to Wonder Woman!" John ordered running back towards the commotion. He arrived on the scene just as Flash did. Together they found Superman puffing away billows of smoke, before him lay a dozen burger patties burned beyond recognition.

"Dude!" Flash called out.

"CLARK!" Mr. Stewart yelled. "You're supposed to use the GRILL to cook the burgers!"

"I do," Clark admitted sheepishly, "but I can put our Justice Burger logo on each one if I use my heat vision."

"Oh, man," Flash laughed. "You totally blew it! Here, lemme help ya clean up!"

Before anybody could answer, the youngster scarfed down all the burnt burgers and a half dozen more that weren't.

"Flash!" Mr. Stewart scolded. "You're not supposed to eat the good ones! The owners won't like to read about _that_ in my report."

"Yikes!" Flash shrieked before zipping out of the kitchen.

"Suck-up." Superman muttered under his breath.

"I heard that!" John told him, pointing his green pen at the Kryptonian.

"HHHEEEEYYYYAAAHHHHH!"

The scream came from the front of the restaurant and was immediately followed by a smash, then a crash. Clark and John had just enough time to share looks of concern before Flash blasted back in with a report.

"Uh, Mr. Stewart… I think Hawkgirl misunderstoond what you meant when you told her to _'Take out_ the garbage'!"

John let out yet another sigh and marched out to the front of the building. He found a garbage can missing and a huge hole in the windows next to where it should have been. Looking out, he saw trash and debris spread all over the parking lot and the can embedded in building across the street. He turned around to find Shayera, mace in hand, taking aim at another one.

"WAIT!" he called out in the middle of her backswing.

He made his way quickly to her and rudely yanked the weapon out of her hands. The heroine looked hurt.

"You're supposed to pick the garbage up," he explained with waning patience, "out of the cans like this…"

He then proceeded to pull the plastic bag neatly out of the can, tie it in a knot and hold it for her inspection.

"…then _carry_ it outside to the _dumpster."_

"OOHHHH!"

Realization dawned on her pretty face and she gazed doe-eyed up at her manager, taking a daring step towards him, making him hold up his clipboard like a shield while he gulped.

"Thank you, Mr. Stewart," she fawned. "You're so smart!"

WOOOSHH! Flash was standing next to them in a heartbeat.

"I can help her, too, Mr. Stewart!"

John grabbed Wally by the shoulders and thrust him at Shayera.

"You do that, Wally!" and he made his escape.

* * *

"Does the Wonder Burger come with bacon?" 

"No," Batman deadpanned, leveling his white eye lenses at the middle-aged woman placing her order at the counter.

"Does it come with fries or Lantern Rings?"

"Fries."

"Can I make a substitution?"

"No."

"Can I…"

"No."

"BATMAN!" John whispered harshly, pulling Batman away from the cash register as he made his way behind the counter. "Ever hear the expression 'the customer is always right'?"

"No."

Mr. Stewart rolled his eyes.

"Well the customer wants rings, then she should get rings!"

"It doesn't come with rings," Batman observed.

"But she _wants _them…"

"She's wrong."

Mr. Stewart rubbed his eyes in frustration.

"Just… enter the order as individual items and charge her the value meal price!" he sighed.

"It's not on the menu."

"I KNOW!" John almost screamed. "I know it's not on the menu… just do it anyway!"

The Dark Knight returned to his register and Mr. Stewart spun around to face Wonder Woman.

"Mr. Stewart?" she asked innocently. "Do we have any Justice Cookies?"

"No, why?"

"Because a customer asked if I had cookies to go with that milk…. But they didn't order any milk, they just…"

"Diana! We don't have any cookies… just fill their order!"

"Ok!" she bubbled happily and bounced back to the window.

Mr. Stewart looked around and took a moment to be thankful for a moment's peace. It didn't last long.

A huge burst of wind blasted from the back and when it stopped, half the kitchen was covered with ice. Trying hard not to slip, he hurried his way back to investigate and found Flash and Superman laughing hysterically.

"Dude, you totally froze those shakes!" Flash giggled.

"CLARK!"

"Uh oh! I'm gone!" and Flash zipped back to the storeroom.

"What the hell did you do?" Mr. Stewart demanded.

"Well, Flash said we were out of chocolate shakes and it would take too long for the machine to…"

"Flash said what?" Mr. Stewart demanded.

"That we were out of chocolate shakes and…"

"FLASH!" John called out as he stormed into the back rooms. He found the Scarlet Speedster searching frantically for a full container of chocolate shake mix. "I just _filled_ that shake dispenser! Did you eat it all _again?!"_

"Uh… maybe."

"Flash! How can we stay in business if you keep eating all the…"

"Hey!" Flash interrupted with a sense of importance in his voice, "The employee handbook says nothing about a limit to the employee discount!"

"That's because the employee handbook assumes that you'll eat _one meal a shift!"_

"Well," Flash replied casually, looking at his fingernails even though he had his red gloves on, "maybe they shouldn't _assume_ anything!"

_"Mr. Stewart!"_ J'onn sounded in Lantern's head.

"WHAT?!" John shouted, making Flash jump out of his skin.

_"There is a discrepancy in the consistency of the __Justice Pies."_

Somewhat uneasily, Flash waited for Mr. Stewart to stop his far off look and finish the conversation he was having in his head. It wasn't long before John let out the billionth sigh of the day and he shoved his clipboard in Wally's face.

"Here! Take an inventory of…_ everything._ I gotta go see what's wrong with J'onn."

"You got it Boss!" Flash replied happily.

John made his way back to the kitchen to find The Martian Manhunter measuring each apple pie with a micrometer and entering the data onto a spreadsheet.

"I have discovered that the dimensions and mass of each pie vary by up to six percent," he told his manager. "I believe we can recoup our losses if we charge a pro-rated amount based on…"

"J'onn! A pie is a pie is a pie! They all cost the same no matter…"

"Mr. Stewart," Batman interrupted. "A customer has a complaint."

_'Now what?_' the manager thought as he returned to the counter.

"Is there a problem, sir?" Mr. Stewart asked the older gentleman.

"I should say there is! It seems that your toilets are blocked up!" the customer said rather theatrically.

"I'll get it!" Shayera called as she headed down the hall towards the bathroom.

"Thanks, Shayera… no! WAIT!" he called as he sprinted around the corner

"HEEYYYEAAAH!"

SMASH!

"Toooo laaaate!" Flash sang.

Water started pouring down the hall.

Mr. Stewart leaned around the corner, completely drenched.

"Flash! Get a mop and…"

"I'm not mopping up any toilet water! It's my shift on the register… get Bats to…"

He turned to see the cold, menacing stare.

"Uh, never mind… I'll mop!"

Woosh, he was gone.

Batman smirked.

"Hey Batman! I could use your help." Wonder Woman called from the window cash register.

"I'm busy."

"No, you're not! We don't have any customers inside. They're all at the drive through window!"

Batman reported to the window and looked at the grainy black and white security camera. Sure enough, there was a line of cars that stretched out the parking lot and down the street.

He checked the clock… then sprang to action.

"J'onn!" he called frantically. "We need fries and Justice Nuggets, fast!"

"What's going on?" Wonder Woman asked cluelessly.

"It's nine-thirty!" Batman told her as he scrambled to set up row after row of paper bags. "The college basketball game just finished and all the frat boys are hitting the drive-through!"

"Oh," she replied simply. "Well, what does that mean?"

"Fries and nuggets are the cheapest thing on the menu," Batman spat as he and J'onn shoved box after box of fries and chicken nuggets in the bags.

"Oh," she replied again, still clueless. "Do they always buy the cheapest thing?"

"Usually, but they especially buy it when they have no intention of actually eating the food."

"They're not going to eat it?"

"No."

She sat and pondered that for a moment.

"Then why are they ordering it?"

"Because it gives them an excuse to go through the drive through!"

"But why is that important?"

"Because _you_ are running the drive through window!"

"So?"

"YOU GOT BIG BOOBS, DIANA!" Hawkgirl yelled from the bathroom.

The Amazon looked down at her cleavage, then out the window, then realization dawned on her pretty face… soon followed by dark resolve.

"Why those dirty little…"

"I will take control of the situation," J'onn announced and he morphed into a hideously ugly old man.

He leaned extra far out the window to deliver the next cars' order and waved at all the other cars waiting in the queue. With that, each vehicle pulled out of line and sped past the window, music blaring and horns honking angrily. J'onn sat and waived pleasantly at each miffed college boy giving him the finger.

When it was all over, J'onn relaxed form and Diana propped up on her tip-toes to plant a fond kiss on his green cheek.

"My hero!" she squealed, eyeing Batman for effect.

The Dark Knight turned and strutted back to the counter muttering something about Martian flesh in a deep fryer.

"So, whatcha gonna do with all those left over fries and nuggets?" Flash asked innocently.

Then the food was gone.

* * *

At the end of the shift… 

"Good shift, people," Mr. Stewart announced, his shirt and pants still damp. "I have a few announcements before we go home…"

"There's a surprise," Clark muttered while the rest just groaned.

"First of all, the owners are seriously contemplating making the Employee Discount only _one_ meal per shift."

"No they're not!" Flash accused. "You're the one that told them to…"

"FLASH!"

The youngster crossed his arms and sat back defiantly.

"Item two," John continued, "The owners feel that, as a team, our uniforms should all be _uniform_. So,"

"I'll be damned if I have to work the fry machine or go into the freezer in one of _her_ outfits!" Shayera declared, pointing her mace at Diana.

"I beg your pardon!"

"No capes!" Flash yelled.

"Hey!" Superman sat up. Batman just glared.

"People, people, settle down," John pleaded, holding up his hands. "The uniform design is still under consideration. If you have an idea of what you like, then submit it to me and I'll pass it on to the owners."

"We'll all be in black and green spandex by the end of the week," Batman muttered to Superman.

"I heard that," John told them. "And in any case, I thought you would have appreciated black spandex."

Batman crossed his arms and turned away, sulking.

"And lastly," Mr. Stewart announced, checking his clipboard, "We need to expand our roster. It seems that we've been entered into a four-team softball tournament and we need more people to field a side… so, tell your friends! If you know somebody that you feel would be a good addition, give me their contact information."

"Who else is in the tournament?" Wonder Woman asked.

"Uh…" John checked his list, "We'll be up agaaaiinst… Legion of Pizza, Cadmus Fried Chicken aaaand Tacoseid."

"Oh, I _hate_ those guys!" Superman grimaced.

"Uh, can we wrap this up?" Flash asked. "I gotta date…"

"No you don't," Batman teased.

"Do too!"

"What's the matter, Batman," Diana teased back. "Jealous?"

"No."

"Uh huh," Shayera mocked.

"Ok, people!" Mr. Stewart interrupted. "Let's bring it back down. That's all I have. Have a good night, I'll see you here bright and early tomorrow morning!"

"Not so early," Superman replied. "Some of us have a life outside of this place, y'know!"

"Oh, sure, rub it in!" Shayera scolded, siding with J'onn and Diana.

Superman, Batman and Flash all exchanged glances and then back at the other three. Batman smirked as they left.

"Losers!"


End file.
